I know that it's supposed to be the other way around, that as his mother, I would be the teacher and my son would learn from my example. But instead, it is me who is doing all the learning. The saying goes "learn from your elders," but instead the role is completely different. My son who barely weighed more than a pound, that I only got to know for 22 weeks, and that I barely got to hold for more than an hour has taught me one of lifes great lessons, to live in the moment. But to not just live in the moment, but to really LIVE in the moment.
My husband used to always call me the "ultimate planner." It is sad, but so true. I would have everything figured out. Don't get me wrong, I love doing little things spontaneously. Like just heading to the beach for the weekend, or eating breakfast for dinner. I am not neurotic about it and its not like I can't do something unless its on the schedule for the day, but I am very much a "life" planner. I wanted to invest thirty years in a career, get married by a certain age, buy the cute house with the white picket fence, have two children - a boy and a girl exactly two years apart, retire at 55, and then grow old with my husband. It had to be exactly like that, in that exact order. Control freak? Just a bit.
Last December Rob and I decided that in January we would start looking for a new house. I thought this "plan" would work out beautifully because if we got into the house by March Rob and I could start trying for a baby in April, get pregnant in six to twelve months and then we will have had enough "just us" time before the baby came. I know this must sound so silly but I truly believed that it would all work out this way, not totally, but pretty close.
So we start looking for a house in January since that was the "plan". I went off the pill in February because I figured we would be moving in March. I wanted at least one month to "cleanse" my body of the pill before we officially started trying, or as we liked to call it "not, not trying." March comes by, no house. April comes, I am pregnant. Not exactly as my "plan" went but we were still so excited to be pregnant.
So now that the "original plan" had changed, I now needed to come up with a "new plan." So now the "plan" was to keep looking for a house until about September, if we weren't in escrow by October then we would just rent a bigger house for a year or so until our baby was about one and a half and then we would start for baby number two. See, the "plan" would still work....then we went to our 22 week appointment, and that did not go as I had planned.
Losing a child is just not natural, I still sometimes wonder if the last four weeks of my life really happened. Of course no mother ever "plans" on bury their child but sadly for me, it happened.
My child has given me a whole new outlook on life. My son has taught me that as hard as you may try to "plan" and think things out for your life, life is just going to happened whether its in your "plan" or not. Luke has taught me that I have to live right here, right now. That in an instant it could all be taken away. I was so focused on making sure that our future was planned and figured out that I wasn't enjoying the moment. Luke has taught me to stop and smell the roses. To hug my husband a little bit longer in the morning, to make sure that I tell someone I love that I love them, to appreciate today. Tomorrow will come, but maybe it won't. And if it doesn't, I want to make sure that today counts.
I remember when I was in labor with Luke I refused pain medication for 32 hours because I was afraid that if I got the epidural I wouldn't feel Luke kicking me anymore. I wanted so bad to hold onto that last moment with him. What I wouldn't do to feel him kick me one more time, what I wouldn't do to kiss his sweet skin one more time. Those are moments I will never get back.
I can't bring back my son. As much as I wish I could rewind the tape and fix his little brain, I can't. What has happened to us has been devastating and it hurts but I can't change that either. All I can do is move forward. I have to get up each morning and realize that as much as it hurts I have to put one foot in front of the other. Today is a new day and as hard as it may be, I want to make it count.
Last December Rob and I decided that in January we would start looking for a new house. I thought this "plan" would work out beautifully because if we got into the house by March Rob and I could start trying for a baby in April, get pregnant in six to twelve months and then we will have had enough "just us" time before the baby came. I know this must sound so silly but I truly believed that it would all work out this way, not totally, but pretty close.
So we start looking for a house in January since that was the "plan". I went off the pill in February because I figured we would be moving in March. I wanted at least one month to "cleanse" my body of the pill before we officially started trying, or as we liked to call it "not, not trying." March comes by, no house. April comes, I am pregnant. Not exactly as my "plan" went but we were still so excited to be pregnant.
So now that the "original plan" had changed, I now needed to come up with a "new plan." So now the "plan" was to keep looking for a house until about September, if we weren't in escrow by October then we would just rent a bigger house for a year or so until our baby was about one and a half and then we would start for baby number two. See, the "plan" would still work....then we went to our 22 week appointment, and that did not go as I had planned.
Losing a child is just not natural, I still sometimes wonder if the last four weeks of my life really happened. Of course no mother ever "plans" on bury their child but sadly for me, it happened.
My child has given me a whole new outlook on life. My son has taught me that as hard as you may try to "plan" and think things out for your life, life is just going to happened whether its in your "plan" or not. Luke has taught me that I have to live right here, right now. That in an instant it could all be taken away. I was so focused on making sure that our future was planned and figured out that I wasn't enjoying the moment. Luke has taught me to stop and smell the roses. To hug my husband a little bit longer in the morning, to make sure that I tell someone I love that I love them, to appreciate today. Tomorrow will come, but maybe it won't. And if it doesn't, I want to make sure that today counts.
I remember when I was in labor with Luke I refused pain medication for 32 hours because I was afraid that if I got the epidural I wouldn't feel Luke kicking me anymore. I wanted so bad to hold onto that last moment with him. What I wouldn't do to feel him kick me one more time, what I wouldn't do to kiss his sweet skin one more time. Those are moments I will never get back.
I can't bring back my son. As much as I wish I could rewind the tape and fix his little brain, I can't. What has happened to us has been devastating and it hurts but I can't change that either. All I can do is move forward. I have to get up each morning and realize that as much as it hurts I have to put one foot in front of the other. Today is a new day and as hard as it may be, I want to make it count.
It is so true how our babies who left this earth too soon have taught us so many things. I am so glad that Luke is able to show you these things, it is a beautiful thing. Like you, Jenna taught me to love life and live - really live- in the moment. They are truly gifts from God. XX
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah. I came over to your blog from Every Life Has a Story, and I started reading from the beginning. I chuckled as I started reading this particular post, because I really feel like I was reading about myself! Everything in its own time, order and place. After our daughter died, my husband and I escaped for a few days to upstate NY where he goes fishing. From there we took an impromptu trip to Niagara Falls, for which I had absolutely nothing planed out. It was so bad that HE almost started twitching! :-)
ReplyDeleteOver the last 4 1/2 months, we have had the same difficulty interpreting the other's grief. We continue to be there for each other, but some days have no idea exactly what we are there for. Some days it seems like we are not even in the same book, let alone on the same page. We have been attending a pregnancy and infant loss support group at our hospital. We have found that Jeff is following a grieving process very similar to the other fathers in the groups, which brings me some comfort. He said that he finds some comfort in knowing that I am able to find some relief and support in blogging and talking to the wonderful new friends I have found online, but he is like your husband, in that he is unable to read my blog with any regularity.
I wish you hugs, strength and peace over the next few weeks, and I look forward to reading your updates.