Love Happens

Do you believe in signs? If you don't, then this post will seem really cheesy to you. I do believe in signs but at a pretty "normal" level. I don't believe that you can really see the Virgin Mary in a potato chip or Jesus in the foam of your latte at Starbucks. Some people may believe in these things and that is great for them, whatever bring you comfort I say.

Rob and I have always had "Friday-Night-Date-Night." We started this tradition when we first started dating three years ago. We promised each other that we would keep this tradition even when we had a family, even if it did turn into "Friday-Night-Date-Night-Once-A-Month." It was our way of saying that we would always stay connected to each other, even when life gets crazy hectic, we would still have our "just us" time.

We were having our date nights regularly up until Luke was born. We were really looking forward to last nights date night because it was our first date night since Luke died. Not because we didn't have the opportunity to go the last few Fridays, it was just the first Friday that we felt like it was time to get back into the tradition. It just was too hard to start the tradition again in weeks past. So suffice to say, we were both really looking forward to it.

Our date night usually consists of dinner and a movie. I work late on Friday nights and so usually by the time we get done with dinner I am so tired that we end up just renting a movie from Blockbuster and I fall asleep on the couch before the previews are over, especially if I had a glass of wine at dinner. Other nights we actually make it to the movie theatre, last night was one of those nights. We didn't really know what movies were out, we just knew we didn't want to see anything sad and I hate scary movies so the only option was comedy or romance. Rob loves Jennifer Anniston and since nothing else looked good to us, we picked "Love Happens."

I had seen a few previews for this movie, and in fact, I had even seen Jennifer Anniston on Ellen talking about this movie. From everything (which was pretty little) I had seen, it sounded like a cute, lighthearted romantic comedy. Umm yeah, not so much.

If you plan on seeing this movie I would stop reading. I am about to tell you all about it and I don't want to ruin it for you. But before I do that I need to tell you a little background about Rob and I.

Rob has always wanted to own a hardware store. I guess the first job he ever had was working at a hardware store and he loved it, made no money, but loved working there. I have a great relationship with my mother and grandparents. They have been the few people in all of this that I have really clung to for strength. For everyone else, I have put on the strong face -the lemonade maker. I love talking about Luke to everyone. I love to tell them how he looks like Rob, I try to educate them on holoprosencephaly, and how Rob and I are trying to move forward in the best way we can. I don't cry when I talk to them, I am just matter of fact. To some people, when they talk to me they probably think, wow, I wish I could be that strong and to see the positive in a pretty not-so-positive situation. I have to be this way or I would literally spend my day on the floor, in the fetal position, holding Luke's hospital blanket, crying all day. But instead I am trying my hardest to put on a strong face to the public, and then when I get home I cry it out. It's just how I am doing it. It may not work for all, but for me, this is how I am handling it.

The movie begins and the first line of the movie is this guys saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I am not kidding you. Okay, coincidence. Not a big deal. The movie goes on about this guy who has lost his wife and to deal with his grieving he wrote a book called "A-Okay." He wrote the book, which was very heartfelt and real to him, somehow got picked up by an editor and its now a best seller. He holds conferences to help people grieving the loss of a loved one, all the while his manager trying to make this guy an international success. Talk shows, DVD's, even exercise equipment.

The movie goes on to talk about one guy in particular. He was a contractor who had a twelve year old son who would help him on his job sites. On one of his jobs, the son died. After the loss of his son he lost everything. He was filled with so much sadness and anger that he lost his business and his wife. The main guy (I think his name was Burke) tries to help him work through his grief during this conference but he just couldn't seem to get through this guy - the sadness had just completely taken over him. So much that he didn't know how to get back on track. So Burke takes the whole group at the conference to a place that this guy could not return to since his son had died - a hardware store.

I started crying during this scene because my heart just ached for Rob. I know that he had so many dreams with Luke and one of them was to go to a hardware store, go home, and build something together. Just like dads and sons are supposed to do.

I will admit that I haven't reached out to everyone. I have remained confined to the comforts of my mom, my husband, and grandparents. The rest of the family I have avoided. Not intentionally, but that's just how its been. Yes, I realize that for Rob and I the pain of losing our son is excruciating. But I forget that Luke was also a grandson, a nephew, a huge piece of this family and that others are grieving the loss of him too. And by me avoiding people, the people who too have lost Luke, they probably also feel a sense of losing me as well since I have been avoiding them.

The movie goes into how this guy Burke is actually a real hypocrite. He didn't attend his wife's funeral because it was too painful, that after his wife died he completely lost contact with her side of the family, and that deep down the loss of his wife was still so painful, all the while preaching to others to "make lemonade."

I went home and cried for probably a good hour. At first, when we walked out of the theatre - in silence, I kinda felt creeped out. Like, how could a movie touch home so closely. But then when I got home I just cried. When I started this blog I decided that I wanted to focus on all the positives, not the negatives in losing Luke. That I would only write on this when I was having a good day, not a bad day. But in doing that I too have become a hypocrite. There are days that all I want to do is yell and scream, to cry for hours, to stay in bed till noon. That some days all I want to do is make lemonade out of lemons and vodka.

I believe that last night I was given a sign. For a movie that we though would be a nice, light hearted romantic comedy, perfect date night movie, turned out to be a sign from Luke. It was my son telling me that its okay for me to not always try and make lemonade, to cry it out if I need to. It was my son reminding me that I was not the only one who has lost him. That he has uncles, aunts, and grandparents that miss him too and are grieving his lose, and that they miss me too since I have been avoiding them, and for that - I am sorry. I was doing it because I just couldn't be emotionally available outside of my own comfort zone.

The movie ends with one of my all time favorite songs, "Have a little faith in me" by John Haitt. I went home and just listened to it over and over. It was like Luke was saying "have a little faith in me mommy, I will hold you up and get you through this, just have a little faith in me."