Thursday, September 30, 2010

Uncharted Territory

I hate how every sentence now-a-days seems to end with, "God willing." Not because I don't like God being at my side at all hours of the day, calming my nerves and allowing my heart to find a few moments of peace in all of this, I just hate that all innocence is lost.

Rob and I decided to register this last weekend. We wanted to wait to make any real big decisions until we had our 20 week ultrasound. We wanted to first get confirmation that everything thus far was looking good with the baby. We had our appointment and it actually went even better that I could have imaged it would. Maybe because up until that moment I couldn't imagine it going well, at all. The doctor and the nurse both reassured us that everything looked great, that Baby T looked "perfect." They both used that word on numerous occasions to describe our little baby bean.

So why do I still feel this way?

Yes, at our appointment once they told us that everything, especially the brain, all looked exactly as it should I started crying tears of joy. I was having such a hard time processing what was being said because so much of me could not and still can't image everything being okay with this baby. I hate feeling like this. I know that I have nothing else except my pregnancy with Luke to compare with but I can't seem to convince my mind that everything many actually be okay this time. That this time we could actually bring a baby home.

At first the plan was to keep the same registry we had with Luke, mainly because most of the stuff that we registered for with him was gender neutral. When we got to Babys'R'Us however, we quickly discovered that so much of the stuff on Luke's registry had either been recalled or was "no longer available."

So we decided to start a whole new registry. Many of the things we picked were also on Luke registry but a few new things were added. It was a pretty fun experience. I thought that it would be a lot harder for me being that the last time I was in Babys'R'Us was before I delivered Luke but I think I built my anxiety up more than I needed too.

Rob loves shooting the registry gun so it was fun watching him go nuts, picking a bunch of random things and saying, "oh honey, I think we will need this." It was fun just the two of us but I hated that my mind kept going to the "dark place" as I call it. I couldn't help but think - are we again registering for stuff that our precious baby will never use? Is it safe for us to be doing this so soon? What if such-and-such happens? Or what if at the next appointment the doctor tells us that there really is something wrong with the baby and they just missed it before? Or what if I go into labor before the baby is able to survive on its own? Or what if at the next appointment they can't find the baby's heartbeat for whatever reasons cause God knows there are a millions things that could go wrong.....this is what goes through my mind ALL THE TIME. I hate it.

I wonder if the "dark place" will follow me forever. Will I never again be able to have a carefree attitude about being pregnant? Why do baby's have to die? Why did my baby have to die? Before Luke I had never heard of holoprosencephaly, anencephaly, placental eruption, umbilical cord impairment, twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome...the list goes on and on. Did I live in such a fairy tale world with my head in the clouds my whole existence before I lost Luke? Because up until then I never heard of babies dying. Miscarriages yes, but never had I met or heard of anyone burring their baby. And now, knowing what I know, I can never go back to that because the reality is that babies DO die. And I hate knowing this reality.

However, as much as I worry for the well being of this little being that grows inside of me, I also look at each day that I have with them as a blessing. As much as it pains me to know the harsh reality of child loss, having that knowledge also gives me the appreciation that I have every moment with this child, almost since the second they were conceived. This precious child that grows inside of me, along with my precious angel Luke are an amazing gift from God that I am so honored to have been blessed with. Had I not gone through ALL that I have gone through I would have never fully understood how precious this time really is. Wether I get six months or a lifetime with this child, every moment is worth savoring.

What an angel looks like...