Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Thinking of you

Hi my sweet boy. I have been thinking about you so much lately. Being pregnant with your brother/sister has made me miss you all over again. I am constantly reminded of that sweet, short time we had together. My hormones have been all over the place which I think is making me dream like crazy. My dreams are consumed by you. I know you are here baby boy, and I know you are doing everything you can to take care of your little sibling. I know you are doing everything you can to tell calm mommies fears.

But always remember that you are still my first born, the love of my life, and I love you to Heaven and back. You are my Luke, you always will be my sweet angel.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

My Lil Rainbow

We're expecting. A few words I still have a hard time fully grasping. We found out a little over two weeks ago that we were pregnant again. I truly believed that the stick would show a negative result again like it had the last few months. I was prepared for the negative results so when it immediately turned positive, I just stood there, staring at it for what felt like days. Could it really be? I was not prepared for it to be positive. Within a few moments I started crying. I wasn't sad, I wasn't scared, just overwhelmed and the tears just flowed. I was definitely happy but the shock was not allowing me to comprehend what was happening at that moment. Rob wasn't home (again, me thinking "why should he need to be here? It's just going to be negative again") and as soon as he walked in the door I just threw the stick in his face. I couldn't find the words to say, I just stared at him. As always, Rob always finds the right things to say or do. He hugged me and told me he loved me. I knew at that moment that everything was going to be okay.

I have debated over the last week or so if I should put this post on Luke's page or not for a variety of reasons. One, I still want to keep this Luke's place. I want this to be a place were a mother and son can connect, just the two of us. I am going to be tracing most of my pregnancy on our other blog page

Another reason I was hesitant was because its so early on and the fear of miscarriage is always there. But, I have been feeling really good except for a few bouts of morning sickness and sleeping like a teenager going through puberty. All in all I think things are progressing pretty well.

The most important reason why I didn't want to post our pregnancy here was because I wanted to respect the feeling of other mommies who are anxiously waiting for their rainbow babies. Trust me, I have been there. I remember looking on other blogs and trying to calculate when it was that other mommies were getting pregnant after their loss. Four months, five months was when it seemed like everyone else was getting pregnant and here I was going on nine months after Luke and still not pregnant. If you are reading this and are waiting for your precious little rainbow please believe me when I say that it will happen. I kept telling myself that there must be something wrong with me or maybe there was something wrong with Rob. I was beating myself up. I finally just Let Go, and Let God. It may sound cheesy or unrealistic but that is exactly what I did. I washed myself of the stress and anxiety I was putting on myself and handed it over to Him. I knew that I could no longer do it on my own and in the end He was in charge, He always has been and always will be. I pray for you if you are trying to conceive again. It can be a long and very emotional process especially after the road you have already traveled. Please don't give up hope because I truly believe that there is a rainbow on the horizon for you too....just let go and have a little faith.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Life Unexpected

Ain't that the truth. So Rob and I have been thinking about getting another dog. We lost our beloved Dusty back in 2007, he had osteosarcoma (bone cancer) and it was really tough on both of us when we lost him. He was Rob's dog before we had met but once Dusty and I got acquainted it was all over. He was my baby. He went everywhere with us - camping, hiking, trips to Tahoe. He was our first baby in every way. He ate better meals than most people do, had a bed fit for a king that he slept in every night that was at the end of our bed, and we loved him so much. Sadly he died about a year after we started dating but so many of our greatest memories were with our Dusty Dog.

Rob and I had not even considered getting another dog until recently. One reason was because we were not ready emotionally, losing Dusty was so painful. But probably the biggest reason was because we didn't have the space. Before we bought our house we lived in a 750 square foot condo. For the two of us it was fine but we didn't feel it would be fair to have another dog in such a confined space, especially because we didn't have a backyard and we were both working full time.

Fast forward to now. We are so fortunate to have a beautiful home with a large, fenced in backyard. A perfect place for a dog to roam. So now that we have the space, the idea was on the table. Another issue that I had was leaving a dog at home all day alone. So now were talking about getting two dogs, not just one. No we are not crazy, just dog lovers.

So the idea had been set in my mind and there was no turning back. We were getting doggies. That's right plural, not singular. Now it was time to hit craigslist, petfinder, and the local paper. I was in search for our new babies.

I admit, I had a very romantic idea of raising two adorable puppies. Like the ones that you see on the Pedigree commercials, all fluffy and cute with their tongues hanging out and tails wagging. I had pretty much set my mind on either Lab or Golden Retrievers sibling puppies, preferably a boy and a girl.

Saturday morning I woke up and headed downstairs. Rob always wakes up a few hours before me. He calls it his "quiet time." As I was trying to focus my eyes on my cup of coffee and debating if I should just head back to bed, he very enthusiastically asks me, "what do you want to do today?" It took me a few minutes to register the question and the only responses I had was," either wine tasting or doggie hunting."

After deciding that wine tasting was out, I went straight to Petfinder and started my search. Within minutes I found them, my perfect puppies. They were 10 week old Lab/Husky mix puppies. The article said there were two left, a boy and a girl. It was perfect, just what I wanted.

I immediately got on the phone and called the shelter. The dogs were in a foster home so it was animal control that was selling them. The message said that the shelter wasn't open until 1 pm but I left a message anyway. As soon as I got off the phone my mind started spinning. I was so excited but at the same time I didn't want to too excited. I had experiences were I got super excited about something just to get really disappointed in the end.

After I got off the phone, Rob suggested that we get showered up and head over to the shelter and be there first thing when they opened. The shelter was a good hour or so drive and I thought that was a great idea. Take a nice, scenic afternoon drive, and then camp out for my babies.

We got to the shelter about ten minutes before they opened. There were a few other people waiting in the parking lot and in my mind I was thinking,'"these people better not be waiting for MY puppies cause they are MINE." I quickly got out of the car and stood at the door so that I could be the first one in once they opened. The other people there must have thought I was crazy. A crazy dog lady.

As soon as they opened I ran up to the counter and before the lady could ask me, "how can I help you," I blurted out, "I am here for the puppies." The lady looked a little puzzled and then said, "oh, you mean the lab/husky puppies." I am not sure what my exact response was but I am sure it was like, "uh, duh!"

She proceeded to tell us that the puppies were at a foster house off site but we could leave our name and number and if our application was selected they would call us sometime the next week. I instantly felt that familiar feeling of total let down. All of a sudden the plans in my head I had invisioned all morning about bringing home my new puppies was completed crushed in just a few seconds. It's amazing how a few words can change everything.

So as she suggested, I completed the adoption application. While I was doing that Rob walked to the back to see the dogs that they had there on site. After I completed the Appleton and while I was drilling the poor counter lady with a million questions I look over and see Rob's face. It was a face I had seen before. It was one that said, "come here, I need to show you something."

I immediately followed him behind the heavy, steel doors. As soon as I entered the room my nose was overwhelmed with the scent of wet, dirty dog. It was awful. It was cold and loud with dogs going crazy. There were probably fifteen tiny kennels that were all filled with dogs, some had two to a kennel. It was difficult to take it all in, it was literally a jail for dogs. My heart still aches when I think of that place.

We walked past a few cages, and then there she was. Daisy. She sat in the corner, her tail tucked tight under her, completely silent. I still remember exactly what her expression looked like. You would tell she was so scared and so desperate to leave that place. Within moments Rob and I both knew she was going home with us.


We talked for a few moments on what to do from that point. We wanted to take Daisy out to see how she did outside of her prison walls. We also started looking for another dog since we had already decide that if we were getting one, we were getting two.

Kiddie-corning to Daisy's kennel was a Lab quietly playing with a ball. We ready his little "bio" they put up about each dog. It said that he was a stray that they found on a highway. He was about 5-6 months and that he was not altered - IE, he was not fixed. We asked if we could take him out with Daidy to see how the two interacted with each other.

Once we got them both outside they started playing with each other pretty quickly. You could tell that poor Daisy just wanted to get out of there. Rob and I talked about making sure that this was what we wanted to do but really there was no hesitation, it was meant to be.

We went in to complete the rest of the paperwork. They ended up giving Duke (that is what we named the Lab) to us for $10.00. He is our discount puppy. We loaded them in the car, and off we went. Rob and I both talked to them the whole way home. We told them that we loved them and that we promised they will never go back to were they came from.

We spent the whole weekend getting them settled in. We took them to the park, got them used to eating on a regular schedule, even introduced them to the family. They have both done amazingly well. There have been a few accidents here and there, nothing that Fabrize and carpet cleaner can't fix.

I never realized how much I missed having a dog around until we brought our babies home. Rob and I have laughed and goofed around more in the last four days than I can even remember. They are the perfect addition to our little family.

It's amazing how unexpected life can be. I was bound and determined to get adorable, fuzzy puppies that would have probably destroyed every pair of shoes I owned and that would have taken months to potty train. In the end I still got what I was longing for. It may not have been how I planned it, no the dogs we ended up with didn't look like the puppies I had envisioned, but I end up with something even better than I had planned. It's amazing how life will do that to you. I will still plan for things because that it my nature, but I have come to look forward to the unexpected.

On Tuesday, while Duke and I were ironing my shirt for work, (yes, he has to be there at my feet doing everything that I am doing - including going to the bathroom), this commerical came on and it just floored me. Adpoting our two doggies was just so meant to be.

What an angel looks like...