Thursday, April 29, 2010

8 Months

My precious Luke,

It has been eight months since I last held you. Eight months since I smelled your sweet skin. It feels like it has been forever since I last touched your tiny, perfect little fingers.

My picture is never complete, my smile never full, the heart always heavy. Time is kind and evil all at the same time. I miss you my son. I will always miss you. I wish you were here.

I wish I could write more, but one these days I can never find the words. But you always know what is in my heart.

I love you forever my son,

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Trying not to try so hard....

I have been debating if I should put this post on here or not. I am not sure why I was so hesitant about writing this. Maybe because it puts pressure on things, or maybe I just didn't want to admit it. I don't know, but I came to the conclusion that there could be more good than harm that can come of it.

Rob and I are trying to get pregnant. This time it has been very different for us. With Luke we got pregnant the first month, without even trying or thinking about it. We were so different then. It has only been a year since we got pregnant with Luke but it feels like centuries ago. I was trying to remember what life was like before I knew that babies - my baby - could die. I remember last year before we got pregnant that the only concern I had was that getting pregnant could take 6-12 months since I had been on the pill for so long and that I would have to practice a little patience (oh, to be that naive again!!).

We have been trying since January and so far nothing. My cycle has been pretty normal, every 27-30 days. I am sure that a lot of it has to do with...well, everything. Physically I have no reason to believe that we are unable to get pregnant. But emotionally things will never be the same.

I do look at being pregnant as a new beginning. The rainbow we have so been longing for but never again will I feel the way I did before we lost Luke. The innocence will forever be gone. And maybe that is okay, but sometimes I would like for just a moment to experience living without the knot in my throat, the ache in my heart.

My biggest concern about posting this was that it makes it all real. Its like if I said it out loud than it means it is no longer just in my thoughts. We are really trying to have a baby. My decision to post this was because - in all honesty - I need all the prayers and support I can get. It's not going to be an easy journey for us, but I hope and pray that with the love and support I have received thus far I will be able to get through it.

Since we have had no luck the last few months I have started tracking my ovulation, which by the way is quite a science. I am hopeful that this will give me a better understating of my cycle. Only time will tell, please keep us in your prayers.

Oh and by the way - my husband is not ovulating today!! :) What?! I had to make sure these little sticks work!! :)

Monday, April 5, 2010

The Dove and the Olive Branch

My beautiful, baby sister came out from Florida for a visit. The last time I had seen her I was pregnant with Luke. It was a happy occasion then, and it was a happy occasion this time too. We were celebrating my mom's 50Th birthday bash and enjoyed an amazing week filled with fun activities.

My sister was unable to attend Luke's funeral. I know that she wanted to be there but had just made her annual trip out with her family about three weeks before we lost Luke so making the three thousand mile journey across the US again was just not feasible for her.

We had decided that on her visist we would have one day that was "just the girls." My mom was overjoyed to be able to have her grand babies (my sister has two children) all day to herself so my sister and I decided to go skiing. Now if I am lucky, I am able to ski about once a year, and my sister had not skied in nine years...or so she said. We knew that it could get a little interesting getting down the mountain - but it would be a blast nonetheless.

We live about an hour and twenty minutes from the mountains - gotta love Northern California. The road we took to get there was I-80. I asked my sister if on our way up the hill she would like to stop by and see Luke's grave site. It was a question that I already knew the answer to -so we went.

It had snowed that morning and there was a harsh, bitter chill in the air. We got the the cememrty and parked the car to walk down to Luke's site. Luke's grave site is on a long, peaceful hill. As we called down, my sister and I walked arm in arm. It was like we were little girls again. We made small talk but mostly we just took in the moment.

We stood quiet for a moment, again just taking it all in. Other than the day of his funeral, I never cry at Luke's grave site. Its not because I don't miss him, or wish that things were different, I just don't cry. When I am there I feel a strong sense of awareness, a prescense. I have never for a moment doubted that my son is in a far better place. I love having a place that I can go to honor him and pay my respects, but I have never associated him spirit, or "him" as being there. His spirits has always been with me, not in a hole in the ground.

Before we left my sister had mentioned that the dove on Luke's headstone looked just like the tattoo she has on her shoulder. When I was thinking of a design for Luke's headstone I knew from the very beginning that I wanted a dove, I wasn't sure why, I just knew that was what I wanted.

A few days later I asked my sister what the dove on her should represented. She told me that the dove has an olive branch in its mouth. She explained to me that after the Great Flood, when the dove came back with the olive branch in its mouth it was a sign of new beginnings.

I was drawn to the words and the story of the dove with the olive branch so I later read more and the story goes...

and it said that God then caused a rainbow to appear in the sky. This story has led to the dove and the olive branch to become symbols of peace....

Luke - you are my peace. My happy place. You are the love and the strength that guides me to new beginnings. You are my dove.

What an angel looks like...