Sunday, November 29, 2009

3 Months

I am sorry but I just can't do it right now. It has been three months today since I lost my little boy and I have attempted many times today to sit down and write a few things but I just can't. It hurts too much. I love you Luke, mommy will write in a few days. Instead I will go to bed with your blanket from the hospital so that I can dream about you. I love you forever...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

"We cannot judge a biography by its length, or by the number of pages in it; sometimes unfinished symphonies are the most beautiful." - Victor Frankl

A lifetime of missing you

My Luke,

I miss you son. I miss you so much that sometimes I wonder how I will go on. And the truth is, why would I want to with you not with me. I know you are always with me in spirit, but I hurt so much. Everything I do, everywhere I go, I think of you. Every time I imagine your sweet little face in my mind, I cry. I keep telling myself that this knot in my throat will go away eventually, but I know it won't. I will never be okay with you not here. I am not mad at anyone for taking you from me, but I am not and never will be okay with it. You should be here with me and your daddy. I am so sad that I never got to change your diaper, never got to nurse you, or give you a bath. I am sad I never got to hear you say the words "Mommy" to me. I am sad Luke that I never got to see your sweet smile, that I never got to hear your first word, or give you your first haircut.

We went to Dillon Beach this weekend for a crabbing trip. It was a trip that was planned when I was pregnant with you. I knew it would be hard but I never realized just how hard it would be. I found myself staring at the back seat, wishing you were there in your car seat - happy, healthy, almost three months old. Or thinking about still being pregnant, I caught myself staring at my belly, wishing you were still in there. Life without you here doesn't feel like living. I never knew how much I could love you until I had you, and not having you here with me is unbearable. I don't know how to do this without you Luke, I don't want to. I want you right here with me where I can protect you.

But it will never be, you will always be my angel baby. We were cheated Luke, for a better purpose I am sure, but I still don't like it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. My love for you makes me vulnerable. I would do ANYTHING for you, I would sacrifice ANYTHING for you. If I had the chance, I would beg on my hands and knees for God to bring you back to me. I wish it were different Luke. I wish you were here.

Please help keep your mommy strong. You know I will get through this, for you and your daddy's sake. You know I will always love and miss you. You know how much it means to me just to hear your name, and you know I will always remember how sweet you smelled, the softness of your skin. You know how scared I am of moving on without you here, but you know you are ALWAYS on my mind and you are ALWAYS with me. Please son, know that you will never be forgotten.

I love you Luke,

Monday, November 2, 2009

Laughter....the best medicine

Rob and I got the wonderful opportunity to take my three cousins to Disneyland this last weekend. For us, the trip was very last minute. We found out on Friday morning that we would be leaving that same day after work. It was nice because it was the first time Rob and I had done anything spontaneous in a really long time. We both left early from work on Friday, jammed home to pack quickly, and then we were back out the door headed to Tracy to pick the kids up.

Rob and I have both been to Disneyland numerous times. We had both gone as kids with our parents, but we had also gone with each other about six months after we started dating. We both love Disneyland, lots of fond memories but the last time we went we had told each other that the next time we went it would be with kids in tow. It's almost kind of freaky to be a grow adult and getting so excited about riding on Alice in Wonderland's Teacups. Having kids with you gives you and excuse to act like a kid, you can live vicariously through them.

From almost the minute we got in the car with my cousins, Rob and I were having fun. The girls had us rockin' out to the latest "it" bands, all of us dancing in our seats. Of course Rob and I had never heard the songs before, but that didn't matter. I loved watching the girls singing at the top of their lungs, while reading gossip magazines. It reminded me of my teenage years, a time when life seemed so much easier. I am sure that back then the world seemed so huge and that everything going on in my life during that time seemed so important, but life really was so much more pure and innocent. As I watched these two amazing individuals enjoying their youth, I was reminded of how fast the time flies. It seems like just a few years ago that I too was rockin' out to the latest "it" music with nothing but my whole future ahead of me. Watching them made me smile.

We got up at six the next morning (no, not even on work days do I get up this early) and headed to breakfast. The park opened at eight and we were there, standing in line, patiently waiting. Most rides had about a forty five minute wait, and that was fine by us. We spent a lot of the time in line laughing with each other. The kids would talk about funny stuff that happened at school or about a previous experience they had the last time they were at Disneyland. A lot of it was just basic conversation but Rob and I just soaked it up. We loved interacting with them. They were pure joy to be around.

At one point the park had closed off a section so we stood in line waiting for it to re-open. Rob and the kids decided to have a skipping contest. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. My husband skipping. It had been awhile, but I saw a smile on my husband that I had not seen in a long time.

On the way home we decided to stop at Santa Monica beach. It was a perfect day. The weather was warm, but not hot. The kids almost immediately started playing in the water while Rob and I watched contently. It was so neat to seem them interacting with each other. It reminded me of my sister and brother, and how much I missed them both. It reminded me of how fortune I was to have my siblings, and how much they have impacted the person that I am today. I thought about how empty my life would have been without them. Truly blessed I am to have my Robert and my Lindsey.

We dropped the kids off last night, and I have to admit, we were both kind of melancholy on the quiet rid home. We talked about how we were hoping that this last weekend was a snap shot of what our life may be in the future. A life filled with fun and laughter, with amazing kids that you just ache to be around.

This weekend was the rainbow that Rob and I have been looking for. This weekend we were reminded as to why we want a family. I was reminded that in life there are going to be times when it really, really hurts but that life also offers us so much joy. And that the good times outweigh the bad.

What an angel looks like...