My Luke,
I miss you son. I miss you so much that sometimes I wonder how I will go on. And the truth is, why would I want to with you not with me. I know you are always with me in spirit, but I hurt so much. Everything I do, everywhere I go, I think of you. Every time I imagine your sweet little face in my mind, I cry. I keep telling myself that this knot in my throat will go away eventually, but I know it won't. I will never be okay with you not here. I am not mad at anyone for taking you from me, but I am not and never will be okay with it. You should be here with me and your daddy. I am so sad that I never got to change your diaper, never got to nurse you, or give you a bath. I am sad I never got to hear you say the words "Mommy" to me. I am sad Luke that I never got to see your sweet smile, that I never got to hear your first word, or give you your first haircut.
We went to Dillon Beach this weekend for a crabbing trip. It was a trip that was planned when I was pregnant with you. I knew it would be hard but I never realized just how hard it would be. I found myself staring at the back seat, wishing you were there in your car seat - happy, healthy, almost three months old. Or thinking about still being pregnant, I caught myself staring at my belly, wishing you were still in there. Life without you here doesn't feel like living. I never knew how much I could love you until I had you, and not having you here with me is unbearable. I don't know how to do this without you Luke, I don't want to. I want you right here with me where I can protect you.
But it will never be, you will always be my angel baby. We were cheated Luke, for a better purpose I am sure, but I still don't like it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. My love for you makes me vulnerable. I would do ANYTHING for you, I would sacrifice ANYTHING for you. If I had the chance, I would beg on my hands and knees for God to bring you back to me. I wish it were different Luke. I wish you were here.
Please help keep your mommy strong. You know I will get through this, for you and your daddy's sake. You know I will always love and miss you. You know how much it means to me just to hear your name, and you know I will always remember how sweet you smelled, the softness of your skin. You know how scared I am of moving on without you here, but you know you are ALWAYS on my mind and you are ALWAYS with me. Please son, know that you will never be forgotten.
I love you Luke,
Mommy
He knows your love, he feels your love. He will keep going. He is lucky to have a mommy who loves him so very much. Remember that he chose you & how special is that?
ReplyDeleteMalory - thank you so much for your kind words. I was really in need of them - from one mommy to another! XOXO
ReplyDeleteSo much of what you wrote here has crossed my mind a thousand times. Especially when you said "Life without you here doesn't feel like living." So true. Sadly true. I often look in the backseat too wishing my 6 month old was there. Your love for your son is beautiful and I know he is right there as you hurt and miss him.
ReplyDeletexx
It's hard without them here. I hope they can feel our love in Heaven. They can never be forgotten.
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