Counting my blessings

When we found out that Luke had a severe form of holoprosencephaly I remember thinking, why me? Why us? Are we being punished for sins we commited when we were younger and this is our punishment? For the first few days Rob and I were so angry at God. We just could not understand why our baby wasn't even given a chance. As the days progressed my anger just intensified. I was so fixated on how mad at God I was for taking my son that I wasn't allowing myself to see the real picture. Yes, for a reason I will never know until I am again with my son, God needed my son more than I did. That is something I can't understand, because I loved Luke so much and God knows I would have taken such good care of him. But once the anger subsided in me I realized that the God I know would not take my son out of spite. The God that I know is a kind and gracious God that everyday gives us so many blessings. He was kind enough to give me Luke, so why would he be so mean as to take him back? He wouldn't, unless he needed Luke more than I did.

I know that God is kind and gracious. He has done so many amazing things in my life. He has blessed me with an amazing family, dear friends, and one of my greatest blessings is my husband Rob. When I met Rob I had already been through some challenging experiences in my life. I remember at a real low point I prayed to God "please just bring me happiness, whatever happiness may be for me." About a year later I met Rob and let me tell you, God redefined the word happiness for me when he sent me Rob.

When Rob and I first started dating he would do all these cute little things and so I started a list of them. I keep this list in my wallet and I pull this list out whenever I miss him, or when I am feeling down. Rob was at work yesterday and I was having one of my sad moments and so I felt like I needed a "pick-me-up." I pulled out the list and read it and as usual when I was done reading it I felt so much better. So I guess the point of my rambling today is that God is good. I know he didn't take my son away from me for any other reason than he needed Luke. I don't know why but it's not in God's plan for me to know any other reason than that. One day when Luke and I are together again in heaven I am confident that God will tell me why. But in the meantime, while I am here on Earth I have to be thankful for the many other blessings that God has given me.

So here is the list I have complied. Some might find it silly but to me my husband is the most adorable man ever and I just love him for all these little things:

1. In the winter he goes out and warms up my car for me before he leaves for work.

2. He talks to himself in the shower. (Sorry honey, I just think its sooo cute).

3. For Christmas when we go get our Christmas tree, he buys a baby tree that he plants to replace the tree that we cut down. So its a tradition that we plant the tree together and every year when we go back we see how the trees have grown.

4. He's wears matching PJ's with me.

5. He always goes grocery shopping with me.

6. He gets Kelly Clarkson songs stuck in his head and then sings them aloud.

7. He cooked a turkey (a 20 pound turkey for just the two of us) last Thanksgiving. I asked him why he was cooking such a huge turkey and he said "so I will know how to do it when we have a family."

8. He gets so excited about making homemade bread.

9. For my birthday last year he put pictures of us all over the house. On each picture he put a reason why he loved me. He did it when I was at work so when I got home there were pictures everywhere!!

10. When I had oral surgery he went to the store and stocked up on all the foods I could eat - baby food, cream of wheat, ice cream. He then called his mom to have her come and "check-in" on me to make sure I was doing okay.

11. He went to EVERY doctor's appointment during our pregnancy.

12. When he first heard Luke's heart beat he said "I could listen to that all day."

13. He stood by my side the whole 47 hours I was in labor.

and my favorite one of all....

14. He helped me create the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen.

Count your blessings today. Yes, I could sit here and cry all day over how much I miss my son. But instead I am going to look forward to seeing my husband later today. My husband who looks just like my son Luke.