Let's face it, lemons taste like crap. This week was difficult. I have come to a point were I am very negative. It's a deep, dark place that I don't like. I have tried really hard to think positively and to try and just put one foot in front of the other. This week I felt like a tire with it's air slowly being deflated.
To be honest with you, I didn't even want to try and make lemonade. I was so fixated on feeling sorry for myself that I just gave up. I resorted to Xanax, which is great for sleeping, but when I am awake I feel nothing. I don't get sad, but I also don't feel happy. I am just there, this numb body going through the motions. It kinda reminds me of scenes from the movie Groundhog Day. The same day, over and over. No reason to get happy or sad about it, just the same old day. Woo-woo.
Towards the end of the week I decided to only take the Xanax at night to help me sleep. Yeah, that didn't really help. My mind felt like a roller coaster. One minute I would feel pretty "normal," twenty minutes later I would be bawling in the bathroom. One minute I would be crying over how fat I looked, but then crying because I don't want to fully get rid of the "pooch" because then all of "Luke's Home" as I call it, would be gone. Racing thoughts, that is what consumes me.
I have decided to take up running. I still am unable to go to the gym because it hurts too much. Hurts emotionally, not physically. Luke and I would go 3-4 times a week for an hour to keep ourselves healthy during the pregnancy, going there without him I am not ready to do yet. At least by running I can get the exercise I know my body is craving, but conversations will be limited. The only talking being done will be to myself and Luke.
I have felt very defeated this week but the good news is that on Monday a new week starts over. I am hoping to pick a better batch of lemons next week.
I sit here typing literally drinking lemonade, no seriously I am.
ReplyDeleteI am riding that rollercoaster with you. Last week was one of the worst..this one wasn't too too bad...wasn't good but since we both know how bad they can get this one was ok.
I have to tell myself that I need to feel all those big bad emotions. The anger, bitterness, sadness, pain, confusion, resentment, you name it I have felt it. I feel them and take them as they come because I know that if I push them down they will pop up later even stronger and knock me off my feet.
Its ok to not be able to find that lemonade all the time. Don't beat yourself over that. You have enough to deal with.
Wishing you a better week.
I am sorry for the ups and downs this grief takes us on. I wanted to share this blog with you. You reminded me about it when you talked about running. Rachel, who lost her twin girls about a year ago talks about how running is healing. It is absolutely amazing. I hope you are inspired from her story and healing as I have been. It is called "Running the Race: Perseverance Personified".
ReplyDeletehttp://perseverancepersonified.blogspot.com/
Her main blog is called "Waiting for Morning".
http://aubreyandellie.blogspot.com/
Best of luck!
I think running will be great therapy. Exercise releases "feel good" stuff in your brain (aka endorphins). I would love to start exercising again and maybe I should.
ReplyDelete