Awww....just breathe

Saturday I went on my first run....I'll be honest, it hurt. All day yesterday I dreaded going to the bathroom because that would involve squatting. It hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt. I knew that my body was craving some exercise and like I said before, going back to the gym was not what I wanted to add to my "new sense of normal" agenda just yet.

I got home from a pretty uneventful day at work and was not really looking forward to going for a run but I knew that it is something that needs to become apart of my every day, or at least every other day. So like I do in so many other things now-a-days, I just went through the motions - not putting much thought into it, just do it. I got home, changed into my running clothes, put my I-POD on and was out the door before I could talk myself out of going.

I decided to start off a little slower this time. On Saturday I just took off. It was like I had completely forgotten that I just delivered a baby five weeks prior and that it had been awhile since I had done anything really strenuous such as exercising....always trying to be the rockstar. I'm gettin' to old for that.

This time I really wanted to focus on just relaxing and breathing, trying to make it more of a therapeutic thing than a "work out." I took in nice, long, deep breaths and it felt really good, surprisingly. I was at about the half way mark and I was thinking about all kinds of things - work, the weather, my family, and of course, Luke. It was really nice. It was weird though, something happened.

Ever since I lost Luke I have felt out of sorts. Like I haven't been connected to my own body or something. Like I have been living some other persons life. I was at a point in my pregnancy were my mind couldn't remember what I felt like before I was pregnant. I had come to a point were all I knew was maternity clothes, eating a lot, and being so overly excited about my life. My life was consumed with the expected arrival of my son. After he was taken away from me I felt disoriented. Disconnected from myself, almost as if I had lost my sense of self or something. I couldn't remember what it was like to no longer be pregnant. I still kind of looked pregnant, but yet I had no baby in my arms. I was able to fit into my "regular" clothes right away but my body was completely different. It was all so surreal. Feeling disconnected is the best way I can describe how I was feeling.

As I am running and thinking my normal thoughts, it dawned on me. I had found myself again. It's a new me, one that has aged in a short period of time. But nonetheless, it is me. Before Luke I was always pretty in tune with my body. I knew when I was about to get sick, I knew that if I was experiencing some light cramping that I was going to be starting my period in exactly two day, and sure enough, within a few days after conceiving Luke, I knew that I was pregnant. I enough knew that he was going to be a boy. I just knew. After Luke died, I seemed to have lost that "intuition" I had.

I know that a part of me died when Luke died. It is a part of me that I will never get back, I know that, and I except that. But tonight on my run, I found something. Not what I had lost, but something new. Tonight I got a chance to connect with the new me. I don't know what brought it out, I assume the fresh air, and the fact that I allowed myself to breathe. It has been five weeks, but tonight on my run I allowed myself to just breathe.

I will never be who I once way, and maybe that's a bad thing, but maybe it is a good thing too. I have missed me. It's been a while, but it's nice to see me again....even if it's a new me.