A Touching Touch

Like all other woman that have gone through a vaginal delivery, I was given six weeks before returning to work. I knew that there was no way I would last the whole six weeks. If you know me, you know that working has always been my salvation. I started working when I was thirteen and at some points in my life I have had three jobs at once. Not that I needed the money really, I just loved the sense of accomplishment I would get out of my job(s).

I know that doctor's give woman at least six weeks off of work to allow their bodies to heal, but also to have time to bond with their new baby. After Luke's delivery I felt like I had been in a car accident. My insides just ached. So obviously I needed some time to allow the physical part of me to heal, but I was pretty eager to get back to work. I felt that once I had allowed myself some time to grieve Luke and allow my body to physically heal, I would consider going back. Until that time came I would just rest easy at home.

I am a manager at a community credit union, emphasis on "community." Pretty much everyone who walks in the door knows me and obviously knew I was pregnant. Not only because I looked it, but because I was so excited about being pregnant that I had to tell everyone, even if they didn't really want to know.

After three weeks of being off work, I stared going stir crazy. I was still having my daily, sometimes hourly breakdowns, but I knew getting back to work was important for me. Sitting at home, not brushing my teeth or taking a shower till one in the afternoon was not working for me. I would just mope from one room to another in my house, shuffling in my sorrows. So I made the decision that on Monday I would return to work. If I can remember correctly I made the decision on a Wednesday so that I could have a few days to mentally prepare myself for going back.

I decided to make an appointment with a counselor so that I could discuss the concerns/fears that I had about returning to work. I told her that one of my fears was going back to work without Luke. We discussed that issue for a few moments, came up with a game plan on how to work through that, and then we would go on to my next fear. We kept coming back to what seemed to be my biggest fear - what do I do when people say the wrong thing? Like when someone says "well at least you are still young," or "time heals all wounds." I knew there would be these situations were I would feel uncomfortable with what they said, but how would I handle that? The counselor was great in helping me work through this. She told me to go home and write down some things that people might say and then write down my response. Kind of like role playing. That way when someone says something to me I could have a kind, gracious response that was already rehearsed.

For the most part my method has been working well. I am still amazed at what some people say but I know they are just trying to comfort me, not realizing they are actually making me cry inside. An honest mistake, I have been there. I know now what words I would NEVER say to someone after they have lost a loved one. However, had I not suffered a loss myself I would have never know that what may have seemed helpful and comforting at the time, was actually painful to hear for the person who is suffering the loss. Needless to say I have had my fair share of interesting condolences.

Today was a pretty good day for me. I was pretty focused on work and not really even paying attention to my mood, just gettin' through the day. One of our accounts is for a real estate company and they have a really sweet Asian gal who comes to make their deposits on almost a daily basis. I only bring up her ethnicity because she always comes in with a smile on her face and tries really hard to make small talk. A lot of times we both just end up nodding our heads and smiling because we can't quite understand each other, but we are sure that we are both saying something nice to the other. Nonetheless, she is someone who has always been very friendly to me and I remember just a few days before I had Luke she was asking me about him and how I was doing.

Rob had asked fellow employees to tell people a little bit of what had happened with Luke so that when I got back to work I wouldn't be bombarded with questions. I know many people were really interested in what had happened and all the employees were very gracious in just saying "there were complications" and that was that. They wanted to respect our privacy.

So today, the gal from the real estate company came in to do her deposits. I had not seen her since I had been back so as I had her come up to the counter she just looked at me with her kind smile. I started to do her transactions and she just simply said in her thick accent, "Sarah, may I hold your hand?" So I reached my hand out and she took it into her tiny little hand and just held it for a moment. I looked up at her and her eyes were so desperate, and they instantly filled up with tears. She didn't say anything, she just held my hand with her eyes just graciously gazing on me. She never said anything after that. I gave her the receipt and with her eyes still hopelessly full of tears, she smiled at me and walked out in silence. I could see her wiping her eyes as she walked out to the parking lot.

I don't know her story. Maybe she too had lost a baby, or maybe she knew someone near and dear to her that had lost a baby, or maybe she was thinking how horrible it would be to lose one of her own healthy, grown children. I don't know what it was but I knew that she somehow felt my pain. She said no words, she just wanted to touch me and offer me silence. I will never forget how sweet her gesture was. I will never forget the true sadness she had in her eyes, her desperation to connect with me. Her tiny, soft hands that were desperate to reach out and touch me.