I wonder...

My Precious Luke,

I wonder if you know how much I miss you.

I wonder if you know how much I wish you were here.

I wonder if you know that every time I get in the car I wish you were sitting behind me in your car seat.

I wonder what you would have wanted on your first birthday.

I wonder if you would have been like your mommy and daddy and would have started walking at 9 months.

I wonder how much you would light up the room when you smiled.

I wonder if by now you would have grown into those muscular little legs you were born with.

I wonder what your giggles sound like.

I wonder what "mommy" would have sounded like coming out of that sweet little mouth of yours.

I wonder if you know how much all your younger siblings will miss you.

I wonder how much you and I would have loved our bonding time when I would nurse you.

I wonder if you know that every time I look at your daddy I see your sweet little face.

I wonder if you know how almost every sentence and every thought in my mind ends with, "Luke should be here."

I wonder if you know how much you will always be a major part of our family.

I wonder when I will get to hold you again.

I wonder if you know that there is nothing in this world I would not do to have you back.

I wonder if you know that no matter where we go or what we do in this life, Rob and Sarah will always be your mommy and daddy.

I wonder if you know that my heart will always have a piece missing, a piece you took with you on the day you went to heaven. That piece is yours forever Luke - nothing can ever replace that.

I wonder if you know that I will always wonder what you are doing, where you are, and I will always wonder if you know how much I love you.

I wonder if you know that you are the greatest love I have ever known.

I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have to wonder....

The Question

I love Trader Joe's. It a grocery store that I think is only on the west coast. Rob and I shop there almost exclusively, we love it - great prices, great choices for super yummy food. It's my normal routine to go there once a week, usually on Tuesday evenings after work. It takes me only about ten to twenty minutes to get in, and get out. I always get the same thing every week, well mostly the same things. So times we try something new that may be on sale, but most of the time it usually the same stuff every week.

Trader Joe's has a great selection of wine. Rob and I both enjoy a nice glass of wine here and there and whenever I go I like to pick up a bottle or two of a new, local wine that we can try. Obviously right now I am not enjoying the taste of a yummy glass of local, organic wine after a long hard day but my lucky husband still does.

Now I will be honest, I have no idea how to pick a good wine. It usually comes down to what label looks the cutest. This last week was no exception, so with the cutest label I could find I proceeded to the check out line.

One on the many reasons we love Trader Joe's is the awesome people that work there. Every time you are in the check out line the clerk ALWAYS starts an interesting conversation with you. I am not kidding the last time I went there the guy at the register started talking about how Lincoln, California (where I live) was well know for having lots of UFO activity. I started to giggle a little when he started telling me this but very quickly I realized he was not kidding. Yep, nice, interesting people that work at Trader Joe's.

On this particular trip I got a super nice, young gal at the registered. We started off with small talk, "how was your day," "anything else fun planned for the day?" Nothing really of substance but nonetheless she was very nice.

When she went to check the bottle of wine she said, "oh you will love this bottle, it's one on my favorites." I told her that was great but that I would have to take her word for it since I was not drinking due to being pregnant. She kindly said, "oh, is this your first?".....there it was, the question I was not prepared for. Instantly a million sensations ran through my body - panic, stress, excitement, but most strongly I felt protective.

I was panicking to find the right word, stressed out that if I answered one way she would start asking a million other questions that would add to my stress?? I felt excitement because as a mommy all I want to do is rejoice and scream at the top of my lungs about how proud I was to be a mommy to both my kids, but the protective part of me was so intense. I felt so compelled to protect Luke and to make sure at that moment he was acknowledged and included in this answer.

I simply answered, "No, it's my second." I quickly tried to prepare myself for any other questions that may come my way like, "oh, how old is your other child?" or "is it a girl or boy?" I was fumbling for a quick answer, an answer that tells the story of Luke but doesn't leave the other poor sole that asked the question feeling uncomfortable and in turn makes me feel even more uncomfortable.

But none of this happened.

After I answered her question all she said was, " well eventually you will get to enjoy this wine, just not any time soon." She gave me my receipt and I walked out with a soft smile on my face, I just had a moment that I got to share with both my babies. It was perfect. As the mother of both my babies I felt so honored in that moment to be there mommy. For my angel that is dancing peacefully in heaven, and for the precious baby that grows in my belly I am so grateful and humbled that God chose me to carry two amazing miracles.