Thinking of you my precious boy, wishing you were here. I know my words have been far and few but in my heart you always remain. Please continue to strengthen mommy's heart. I love you to the moon and back my precious son.

Uncharted Territory

I hate how every sentence now-a-days seems to end with, "God willing." Not because I don't like God being at my side at all hours of the day, calming my nerves and allowing my heart to find a few moments of peace in all of this, I just hate that all innocence is lost.

Rob and I decided to register this last weekend. We wanted to wait to make any real big decisions until we had our 20 week ultrasound. We wanted to first get confirmation that everything thus far was looking good with the baby. We had our appointment and it actually went even better that I could have imaged it would. Maybe because up until that moment I couldn't imagine it going well, at all. The doctor and the nurse both reassured us that everything looked great, that Baby T looked "perfect." They both used that word on numerous occasions to describe our little baby bean.

So why do I still feel this way?

Yes, at our appointment once they told us that everything, especially the brain, all looked exactly as it should I started crying tears of joy. I was having such a hard time processing what was being said because so much of me could not and still can't image everything being okay with this baby. I hate feeling like this. I know that I have nothing else except my pregnancy with Luke to compare with but I can't seem to convince my mind that everything many actually be okay this time. That this time we could actually bring a baby home.

At first the plan was to keep the same registry we had with Luke, mainly because most of the stuff that we registered for with him was gender neutral. When we got to Babys'R'Us however, we quickly discovered that so much of the stuff on Luke's registry had either been recalled or was "no longer available."

So we decided to start a whole new registry. Many of the things we picked were also on Luke registry but a few new things were added. It was a pretty fun experience. I thought that it would be a lot harder for me being that the last time I was in Babys'R'Us was before I delivered Luke but I think I built my anxiety up more than I needed too.

Rob loves shooting the registry gun so it was fun watching him go nuts, picking a bunch of random things and saying, "oh honey, I think we will need this." It was fun just the two of us but I hated that my mind kept going to the "dark place" as I call it. I couldn't help but think - are we again registering for stuff that our precious baby will never use? Is it safe for us to be doing this so soon? What if such-and-such happens? Or what if at the next appointment the doctor tells us that there really is something wrong with the baby and they just missed it before? Or what if I go into labor before the baby is able to survive on its own? Or what if at the next appointment they can't find the baby's heartbeat for whatever reasons cause God knows there are a millions things that could go wrong.....this is what goes through my mind ALL THE TIME. I hate it.

I wonder if the "dark place" will follow me forever. Will I never again be able to have a carefree attitude about being pregnant? Why do baby's have to die? Why did my baby have to die? Before Luke I had never heard of holoprosencephaly, anencephaly, placental eruption, umbilical cord impairment, twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome...the list goes on and on. Did I live in such a fairy tale world with my head in the clouds my whole existence before I lost Luke? Because up until then I never heard of babies dying. Miscarriages yes, but never had I met or heard of anyone burring their baby. And now, knowing what I know, I can never go back to that because the reality is that babies DO die. And I hate knowing this reality.

However, as much as I worry for the well being of this little being that grows inside of me, I also look at each day that I have with them as a blessing. As much as it pains me to know the harsh reality of child loss, having that knowledge also gives me the appreciation that I have every moment with this child, almost since the second they were conceived. This precious child that grows inside of me, along with my precious angel Luke are an amazing gift from God that I am so honored to have been blessed with. Had I not gone through ALL that I have gone through I would have never fully understood how precious this time really is. Wether I get six months or a lifetime with this child, every moment is worth savoring.

How they did it back then....

Just like my pregnancy with Luke, early on in this pregnancy it has become pretty obvious that I am pregnant. And if it is not obvious to someone and the person gives me a puzzling look were I can tell that they are thinking I look pregnant but are too afraid to ask, I just blurt it out. Immediately following that I get much praise, smiles, and even in some cases - a big hug.

I love what I do. It was not the career choice I had when I first started out on my own but fortunately the path that I have ended up on professionally has been a great fit for me. I am a people person and a huge aspect of my job is dealing with the community - I work at a community credit union - perfect.

Many members of the credit union are very aware of what happened with Luke and by almost all accounts everyone who would ask me about what happened and how I was doing were always kind, sympathetic, and most importantly they were respectful of my need to talk, or in some cases not talk about what had happened.

I remember one elderly lady who was always kind to me even before I lost Luke, even before I got pregnant. Although she is friendly she has a quiet, private demeanor about her. She is very soft spoken but cheerful and kind in her smile. A few weeks after I returned from delivering Luke she came by my office to ask how I was doing. I gave the usual response but unlike most conversations I would have with inquiring members, the conversation was very short. She was very sympathetic and sweet in her condolences but it was obvious that she did not want the conversation to go on much more. I assumed it was to be respectful but then I also thought she was unsure of what to say. Either way the conversation ended and she went on her way.

This lady is a frequent visitor of the credit union. Her and her husband of almost sixty years (they informed me of that the last time they came in) come into the branch about once every ten days or so. They are well aware that I am expecting again and over the past year since losing Luke I have enjoyed having small talk with them every time they come in.

Last week while helping them with a transaction, the woman asked me if I had started working on the baby's room yet. I had told her no and that we will probably wait awhile until we start making major decisions - ie. registering, planning the baby room, etc. I told her that we were just not ready yet.

After I said that she got quiet. She then proceeded to tell me that she knew how hard starting over can be. She has always been a woman of a few words at least in conversation with me (her husband usually does all the talking), so making a heartfelt comment like that kind of surprised me.

There was silence again and I went back to completing her transactions. When I was done I looked up again to tell her something and I was paralyzed to see this woman - a woman who always has a strong exterior, an almost secret like personality was crying in front of me. It was just a tear rolling down her face but once our eyes connected she proceeded to tell me her story. A story I couldn't even imagine as she was telling it to me.

She had lost four, full term babies. She told me that one by one they would die a few weeks before she was due to deliver. When she was telling me this I felt like I couldn't breath. It was just all too much to take in. She later found out that she was RH negative and all the babies had been RH positive which caused her body to attack and kill the fetus. She told me how there were two tombstones - babies one and three were buried together, babies two and four were buried together. The worst part was when she told me she never got to hold or even see the babies - they just got taken away to the unknown, a mother and child never getting a chance to say goodbye. She told me that was the way it was back then.

I don't know how I knew but I could just tell in the way she spoke to me that I was one out of a very small group of people who she had shared this secret with. Even in talking to me I could tell she was uneasy but at the same time I could fell her desperation to talk to another soul who may be able to understand the pain she had been harboring for sixty years. My mind could not grasp the reality of the pain she must have endured for decades.

I have been so fortunate to have the network of friend and family who have allowed me to cry to them about my ongoing pain and struggles. I could not for a moment imagine what it would have been like if I had to hide my feelings or to feel ashamed for what has happened to me and my son. How desperately this woman must have wanted to scream out in pain the agony she must have felt for not one but FOUR babies over the years. I was so honored that she shared her story with me but I too think she was grateful to have the opportunity to tell her story - to have an opportunity to honor the babies she so desperately aches for in silence.

Losing a child is the worst thing in the world. I hope and pray that the people I love never have to experience the pain that is associated with a lose. I am grateful given my circumstance however that what I have gone through did not happen to me sixty years ago. I am so grateful that I am able to have a meltdown in the grocery store isle and not be considered insane. I am grateful that I am able to rejoice in the love that I have for my son and talk freely about him whenever and wherever I want. And most importantly I am so grateful that I was able to hold him for the most amazing hour of my life on the day he was born, surrounded by all the people that love him as he passed on from this life that he knew with us to the comforts of heaven. That's how they may have done it "back then," but thank God my Luke was not born back then.

I will never forget her story, and I will never forget her babies either. Rest in peace little angels.

I wonder...

My Precious Luke,

I wonder if you know how much I miss you.

I wonder if you know how much I wish you were here.

I wonder if you know that every time I get in the car I wish you were sitting behind me in your car seat.

I wonder what you would have wanted on your first birthday.

I wonder if you would have been like your mommy and daddy and would have started walking at 9 months.

I wonder how much you would light up the room when you smiled.

I wonder if by now you would have grown into those muscular little legs you were born with.

I wonder what your giggles sound like.

I wonder what "mommy" would have sounded like coming out of that sweet little mouth of yours.

I wonder if you know how much all your younger siblings will miss you.

I wonder how much you and I would have loved our bonding time when I would nurse you.

I wonder if you know that every time I look at your daddy I see your sweet little face.

I wonder if you know how almost every sentence and every thought in my mind ends with, "Luke should be here."

I wonder if you know how much you will always be a major part of our family.

I wonder when I will get to hold you again.

I wonder if you know that there is nothing in this world I would not do to have you back.

I wonder if you know that no matter where we go or what we do in this life, Rob and Sarah will always be your mommy and daddy.

I wonder if you know that my heart will always have a piece missing, a piece you took with you on the day you went to heaven. That piece is yours forever Luke - nothing can ever replace that.

I wonder if you know that I will always wonder what you are doing, where you are, and I will always wonder if you know how much I love you.

I wonder if you know that you are the greatest love I have ever known.

I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have to wonder....

The Question

I love Trader Joe's. It a grocery store that I think is only on the west coast. Rob and I shop there almost exclusively, we love it - great prices, great choices for super yummy food. It's my normal routine to go there once a week, usually on Tuesday evenings after work. It takes me only about ten to twenty minutes to get in, and get out. I always get the same thing every week, well mostly the same things. So times we try something new that may be on sale, but most of the time it usually the same stuff every week.

Trader Joe's has a great selection of wine. Rob and I both enjoy a nice glass of wine here and there and whenever I go I like to pick up a bottle or two of a new, local wine that we can try. Obviously right now I am not enjoying the taste of a yummy glass of local, organic wine after a long hard day but my lucky husband still does.

Now I will be honest, I have no idea how to pick a good wine. It usually comes down to what label looks the cutest. This last week was no exception, so with the cutest label I could find I proceeded to the check out line.

One on the many reasons we love Trader Joe's is the awesome people that work there. Every time you are in the check out line the clerk ALWAYS starts an interesting conversation with you. I am not kidding the last time I went there the guy at the register started talking about how Lincoln, California (where I live) was well know for having lots of UFO activity. I started to giggle a little when he started telling me this but very quickly I realized he was not kidding. Yep, nice, interesting people that work at Trader Joe's.

On this particular trip I got a super nice, young gal at the registered. We started off with small talk, "how was your day," "anything else fun planned for the day?" Nothing really of substance but nonetheless she was very nice.

When she went to check the bottle of wine she said, "oh you will love this bottle, it's one on my favorites." I told her that was great but that I would have to take her word for it since I was not drinking due to being pregnant. She kindly said, "oh, is this your first?".....there it was, the question I was not prepared for. Instantly a million sensations ran through my body - panic, stress, excitement, but most strongly I felt protective.

I was panicking to find the right word, stressed out that if I answered one way she would start asking a million other questions that would add to my stress?? I felt excitement because as a mommy all I want to do is rejoice and scream at the top of my lungs about how proud I was to be a mommy to both my kids, but the protective part of me was so intense. I felt so compelled to protect Luke and to make sure at that moment he was acknowledged and included in this answer.

I simply answered, "No, it's my second." I quickly tried to prepare myself for any other questions that may come my way like, "oh, how old is your other child?" or "is it a girl or boy?" I was fumbling for a quick answer, an answer that tells the story of Luke but doesn't leave the other poor sole that asked the question feeling uncomfortable and in turn makes me feel even more uncomfortable.

But none of this happened.

After I answered her question all she said was, " well eventually you will get to enjoy this wine, just not any time soon." She gave me my receipt and I walked out with a soft smile on my face, I just had a moment that I got to share with both my babies. It was perfect. As the mother of both my babies I felt so honored in that moment to be there mommy. For my angel that is dancing peacefully in heaven, and for the precious baby that grows in my belly I am so grateful and humbled that God chose me to carry two amazing miracles.

Thinking of you

Hi my sweet boy. I have been thinking about you so much lately. Being pregnant with your brother/sister has made me miss you all over again. I am constantly reminded of that sweet, short time we had together. My hormones have been all over the place which I think is making me dream like crazy. My dreams are consumed by you. I know you are here baby boy, and I know you are doing everything you can to take care of your little sibling. I know you are doing everything you can to tell calm mommies fears.

But always remember that you are still my first born, the love of my life, and I love you to Heaven and back. You are my Luke, you always will be my sweet angel.

My Lil Rainbow

We're expecting. A few words I still have a hard time fully grasping. We found out a little over two weeks ago that we were pregnant again. I truly believed that the stick would show a negative result again like it had the last few months. I was prepared for the negative results so when it immediately turned positive, I just stood there, staring at it for what felt like days. Could it really be? I was not prepared for it to be positive. Within a few moments I started crying. I wasn't sad, I wasn't scared, just overwhelmed and the tears just flowed. I was definitely happy but the shock was not allowing me to comprehend what was happening at that moment. Rob wasn't home (again, me thinking "why should he need to be here? It's just going to be negative again") and as soon as he walked in the door I just threw the stick in his face. I couldn't find the words to say, I just stared at him. As always, Rob always finds the right things to say or do. He hugged me and told me he loved me. I knew at that moment that everything was going to be okay.

I have debated over the last week or so if I should put this post on Luke's page or not for a variety of reasons. One, I still want to keep this Luke's place. I want this to be a place were a mother and son can connect, just the two of us. I am going to be tracing most of my pregnancy on our other blog page http://turnagefamily052408.blogspot.com/.

Another reason I was hesitant was because its so early on and the fear of miscarriage is always there. But, I have been feeling really good except for a few bouts of morning sickness and sleeping like a teenager going through puberty. All in all I think things are progressing pretty well.

The most important reason why I didn't want to post our pregnancy here was because I wanted to respect the feeling of other mommies who are anxiously waiting for their rainbow babies. Trust me, I have been there. I remember looking on other blogs and trying to calculate when it was that other mommies were getting pregnant after their loss. Four months, five months was when it seemed like everyone else was getting pregnant and here I was going on nine months after Luke and still not pregnant. If you are reading this and are waiting for your precious little rainbow please believe me when I say that it will happen. I kept telling myself that there must be something wrong with me or maybe there was something wrong with Rob. I was beating myself up. I finally just Let Go, and Let God. It may sound cheesy or unrealistic but that is exactly what I did. I washed myself of the stress and anxiety I was putting on myself and handed it over to Him. I knew that I could no longer do it on my own and in the end He was in charge, He always has been and always will be. I pray for you if you are trying to conceive again. It can be a long and very emotional process especially after the road you have already traveled. Please don't give up hope because I truly believe that there is a rainbow on the horizon for you too....just let go and have a little faith.