Luke's Video

Luke Gene Turnage @ Yahoo! Video

My dear friend Mal over at Every Life Has A Story did this BEAUTIFUL tribute to our precious little man. I thank God every day for the love and strength people like Mal have given me over the past few months. At a time when I have felt so utterly alone, I am so grateful for the amazing courage I find in my fellow blogging mommies. I am forever indebted to your kindness.

3 Months

I am sorry but I just can't do it right now. It has been three months today since I lost my little boy and I have attempted many times today to sit down and write a few things but I just can't. It hurts too much. I love you Luke, mommy will write in a few days. Instead I will go to bed with your blanket from the hospital so that I can dream about you. I love you forever...

"We cannot judge a biography by its length, or by the number of pages in it; sometimes unfinished symphonies are the most beautiful." - Victor Frankl

A lifetime of missing you

My Luke,

I miss you son. I miss you so much that sometimes I wonder how I will go on. And the truth is, why would I want to with you not with me. I know you are always with me in spirit, but I hurt so much. Everything I do, everywhere I go, I think of you. Every time I imagine your sweet little face in my mind, I cry. I keep telling myself that this knot in my throat will go away eventually, but I know it won't. I will never be okay with you not here. I am not mad at anyone for taking you from me, but I am not and never will be okay with it. You should be here with me and your daddy. I am so sad that I never got to change your diaper, never got to nurse you, or give you a bath. I am sad I never got to hear you say the words "Mommy" to me. I am sad Luke that I never got to see your sweet smile, that I never got to hear your first word, or give you your first haircut.

We went to Dillon Beach this weekend for a crabbing trip. It was a trip that was planned when I was pregnant with you. I knew it would be hard but I never realized just how hard it would be. I found myself staring at the back seat, wishing you were there in your car seat - happy, healthy, almost three months old. Or thinking about still being pregnant, I caught myself staring at my belly, wishing you were still in there. Life without you here doesn't feel like living. I never knew how much I could love you until I had you, and not having you here with me is unbearable. I don't know how to do this without you Luke, I don't want to. I want you right here with me where I can protect you.

But it will never be, you will always be my angel baby. We were cheated Luke, for a better purpose I am sure, but I still don't like it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. My love for you makes me vulnerable. I would do ANYTHING for you, I would sacrifice ANYTHING for you. If I had the chance, I would beg on my hands and knees for God to bring you back to me. I wish it were different Luke. I wish you were here.

Please help keep your mommy strong. You know I will get through this, for you and your daddy's sake. You know I will always love and miss you. You know how much it means to me just to hear your name, and you know I will always remember how sweet you smelled, the softness of your skin. You know how scared I am of moving on without you here, but you know you are ALWAYS on my mind and you are ALWAYS with me. Please son, know that you will never be forgotten.

I love you Luke,
Mommy

Laughter....the best medicine

Rob and I got the wonderful opportunity to take my three cousins to Disneyland this last weekend. For us, the trip was very last minute. We found out on Friday morning that we would be leaving that same day after work. It was nice because it was the first time Rob and I had done anything spontaneous in a really long time. We both left early from work on Friday, jammed home to pack quickly, and then we were back out the door headed to Tracy to pick the kids up.

Rob and I have both been to Disneyland numerous times. We had both gone as kids with our parents, but we had also gone with each other about six months after we started dating. We both love Disneyland, lots of fond memories but the last time we went we had told each other that the next time we went it would be with kids in tow. It's almost kind of freaky to be a grow adult and getting so excited about riding on Alice in Wonderland's Teacups. Having kids with you gives you and excuse to act like a kid, you can live vicariously through them.

From almost the minute we got in the car with my cousins, Rob and I were having fun. The girls had us rockin' out to the latest "it" bands, all of us dancing in our seats. Of course Rob and I had never heard the songs before, but that didn't matter. I loved watching the girls singing at the top of their lungs, while reading gossip magazines. It reminded me of my teenage years, a time when life seemed so much easier. I am sure that back then the world seemed so huge and that everything going on in my life during that time seemed so important, but life really was so much more pure and innocent. As I watched these two amazing individuals enjoying their youth, I was reminded of how fast the time flies. It seems like just a few years ago that I too was rockin' out to the latest "it" music with nothing but my whole future ahead of me. Watching them made me smile.

We got up at six the next morning (no, not even on work days do I get up this early) and headed to breakfast. The park opened at eight and we were there, standing in line, patiently waiting. Most rides had about a forty five minute wait, and that was fine by us. We spent a lot of the time in line laughing with each other. The kids would talk about funny stuff that happened at school or about a previous experience they had the last time they were at Disneyland. A lot of it was just basic conversation but Rob and I just soaked it up. We loved interacting with them. They were pure joy to be around.

At one point the park had closed off a section so we stood in line waiting for it to re-open. Rob and the kids decided to have a skipping contest. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. My husband skipping. It had been awhile, but I saw a smile on my husband that I had not seen in a long time.

On the way home we decided to stop at Santa Monica beach. It was a perfect day. The weather was warm, but not hot. The kids almost immediately started playing in the water while Rob and I watched contently. It was so neat to seem them interacting with each other. It reminded me of my sister and brother, and how much I missed them both. It reminded me of how fortune I was to have my siblings, and how much they have impacted the person that I am today. I thought about how empty my life would have been without them. Truly blessed I am to have my Robert and my Lindsey.

We dropped the kids off last night, and I have to admit, we were both kind of melancholy on the quiet rid home. We talked about how we were hoping that this last weekend was a snap shot of what our life may be in the future. A life filled with fun and laughter, with amazing kids that you just ache to be around.

This weekend was the rainbow that Rob and I have been looking for. This weekend we were reminded as to why we want a family. I was reminded that in life there are going to be times when it really, really hurts but that life also offers us so much joy. And that the good times outweigh the bad.

Lost in Translation

Stuck in a rut. That is how I have been feeling the last few weeks. I have my moments of feeling anxious for what the future holds for us, but I also have a huge amount of fear. Fear of the unknown, and the fear of taking steps to move forward.

Rob and I have been slowly getting back into the house hunting process and it has been nice to have something to take our minds off of our grieving. There was a particular house that we looked at back in June. I was about two months pregnant with Luke at the time and it seemed like the perfect house. It was in a prime location, it was big enough for our growing family, and of course the most important thing to my husband, a three car garage. At the time the house was a short sale and making an offer on it didn't seem realistic because there were 22 other offers on it.

Months go by and Rob and I continued to look for a house, but as my belly continued to grow, we started looking into other options. We live in a one bedroom condo that we love, but it's just not big enough for our little family. We decided at the end of July that we would start looking to rent a house in Rocklin. We looked at a few houses to rent over the course of a few weeks, but then we had our 20 week appointment and that was the end of that.

In many ways I am so greatly that we didn't sign a lease because our situation now would be very different. It was so hard coming back home after we had Luke, but at the same time it was comforting. Coming back to the home that Luke was conceived in, the home where we took all my belly shots, the only home that Rob and I have ever shared. When we came home from the hospital it felt like we were really coming "home."

At first, getting back on the "house hunting horse" didn't feel right to me. Taking a huge step like that seemed too soon for us. Rob wanted to go back to looking right away but I knew that was his way of dealing with the loss of Luke. He wanted a garage to escape to. A place were he could do a project, listen to his 80's rock music, tinker around with "guy stuff," maybe even a place to cry. I don't know what men really do in their garages, I just knew that he needed one to escape to.

I have come to conclude that I am at a point in my grieving that it's time to get back to living. The last two months I have been in auto pilot. I find myself doing repetitive things, not taking on any new challenges, not going to new places. Just kind of doing the same routine day in and day out. I know I do this because I am scared to death of anything new. I have remained confined to the comforts of my familiar surroundings and that is so not me. I need to come alive again.

About a month ago, that "perfect" house came back on the mark but this time it was an "active" sale, no longer a short sale. We contacted our agent and made an offer. To make a long story short, our offer was not excepted. Rob and I were disappointment but I truly believe in signs and I just felt like that if it were meant to happen, than it would.

Like many things in my life right now, getting pregnant is at the top of my "fear list." I have no intentions of getting pregnant in the near future, but my fear is that I will never get over the fears I have, and by having these fear, I will now allow myself to get pregnant again. I know the thought is ridiculous but that is were I have been lately. We found out on Thurday that Luke's diagnosis was not genetic and that has helped easy my fear a bit, but I know that I need to start being realistic about my fears. Rob and I want to have more children and I know that great joy can come from that, but getting to that point will take time. With my mood slowly changing, I am looking forward to new things, a new chapter in our story of life.

Almost every other day Rob will go online to look and see if there are any new listings that we may be interested in looking at. Today he got online, and informed me that the "perfect" house was back on the market. I immediatly called our agent so that he could look into it for us. I am not getting my hopes up because again, I do believe that if it is meant to happen, then it will.

We are still waiting to hear back from our agent. I decided to go on my run since staring at the phone will not get him to call any sooner. As usual, on my run I talk to God and to Luke. Today I kept talking about signs and I kept asked God for continuing strength. I prayed that he would help in guiding us through the next chapter becuase I am done feeling stuck. I know that I will ache and hurt for our son till the day I die, but I know that we have to go on living.

I have never been one to pray for something specific. My prayers are more geared toward praying for strength, happiness, or health. I would never pray "Please God, give us that house." That just doesn't seem realistic to me.

So today as I am running, I am thinking about Luke and also about our little family. I no longer feel that it would be an injustice to Luke if we had another baby, he/she would be Luke's baby sister or brother. I know that Luke would want us to love another baby just as much as we love him. I know that Luke will never be replaced and will always be with us. But it is still scary, and it has taken two months for me to feel this way.

With the thoughts of the house and having more children on my mind I asked God for a sign. If we are to move forward with this house and think about getting pregnant again in the future, please give me a sign. If we are meant to stay in the condo and continue on the way we have been, give me a sign for that too.

On my cool down I come around a corner right outside of our condo and on the grass was a pink towel. At first I just looked at it as I walked by, but then I got to thinking of that saying "throwing the towel in." In my mind, it was the sign I needed. It is our time to throw the towel in and move forward to our next chapter. No more being "stuck." Of course Luke will be going with us, he will be with us always. But it is time for Rob and I to start living again.

I don't know if we will get that house, and if we don't, that's okay. There will be more houses, and God willing, there will be more children. I don't know what the next chapter has in store for us, but I have told myself that I can't be afraid to turn the page. Luke will always be our first born, the love of our life. He will always be our little boy, and nothing, not a new house or a new baby will ever replace him.

When I got home from my run I called my mom and told her what happened with the pink towel. She found it interesting that the towel was pink. Who knows what it really means, if anything. In reality it is just a towel that someone littered close to our property, but for me it was a sign. A sign that there are still good things in store for us.

Tis the Season

I can't believe its already the middle of October. This year has flown by. So much has happened. I keep telling myself to just hang in there, that 2010 will be a better year for us. Words can't even express how disappointed I am in how everything turned out. I was thinking back to January. I remember thinking "a new year, a fresh start." There were so many things we were looking forward to doing in 2009. Buy our first house together, start our family, living in peace. It all seemed so simple and easy to obtain. Just little dreams, nothing big. We didn't want to win the lottery or anything. It would have been nice if we did, but just the basic dreams were all we were seeking.

Everyone says, "You can never fully be ready for a family." I beg to differ. I don't know how much more "ready" we could have been. Not only did I feel we were ready for Luke but we were ready for a family. Rob and I wanted to have our children back to back. With only a year or so in between, God willing. I remember when we found out we were pregnant, everything changed. We went from doing fun, crazy spontaneous stuff together to putting our little family first. Looking for the newer, bigger house, searching the internet for the highest grade car seat, researching about organic diapers. We put all our eggs in one basket, our Luke basket.

Our eggs are broken, so now what?

The season is changing, and my heart is so heavy. I had envisioned the 2009 holiday season with me fat and happy. Waddling around in my HUGE maternity clothes. Luke's room all done, all his new clothes washed, his newborn diapers arranged perfectly in his dresser. Everything all ready for his arrival.

I was looking forward to buying him his first stocking this year. His due date was New Year's Day but I still wanted to have it all ready to go in case he decided to grace us a little early. Oh, the dreams I had for my little boy. I was hoping to have that stocking forever, one that would be hung up every year until he was a daddy. A stocking that I would keep until he had his first baby to pass it down to.

A year that start out with so much anticipation and excitement ended up being the hardest year of my life. I have had disappointment and heartache before, but never like this. Deep down I still have dreams for us, but sadly, they are so deep I can't even see them right now.

Many people have asked us if we will start trying again and the question always catches me off guard. It's a question that seems so foreign, so distant, but so close and familiar at the same time. Rob and I were totally in family mode and now its like the button just turned off. Not by choice obviously, but nonetheless, off.

I know that we will one day want to try again but right now the thought seems so inappropriate. I know it hasn't been that long since we lost Luke, but it almost seems like the pain is more real and intense then it has ever been. It's almost like the shock is gone and the realization has set in. The realization that our little boy is gone.

I think about being pregnant. I loved every moment of it. But I loved it because it was Luke I was carrying. When I envision a baby's face, its Luke's face I see. When I envision a nursery, it's Luke's nursery I see. When I envision myself holding my baby, it is Luke that I am holding.

I keep wishing that I could press rewind. That one day soon someone would come knocking on my door to say that this was all just a test to see how much I loved my son, and that the mean little game that they had played on me was over and that I would get to start at the beginning again. The beginning of my pregnancy with Luke, except this time his little brain is perfect. And he would live out his life till he was an old man himself, a well lived life. Then long after I am gone, he would die as a happy old man, with all the dreams his mommy had for him fulfilled.

But I know none of that will happen. So why do I keep wishing it were true? Maybe because I still believe in miracles, and that deep down I still have dreams too. I don't know what this season will bring, all I can do is hope and pray for a better year in 2010.