Trying not to try so hard....

I have been debating if I should put this post on here or not. I am not sure why I was so hesitant about writing this. Maybe because it puts pressure on things, or maybe I just didn't want to admit it. I don't know, but I came to the conclusion that there could be more good than harm that can come of it.

Rob and I are trying to get pregnant. This time it has been very different for us. With Luke we got pregnant the first month, without even trying or thinking about it. We were so different then. It has only been a year since we got pregnant with Luke but it feels like centuries ago. I was trying to remember what life was like before I knew that babies - my baby - could die. I remember last year before we got pregnant that the only concern I had was that getting pregnant could take 6-12 months since I had been on the pill for so long and that I would have to practice a little patience (oh, to be that naive again!!).

We have been trying since January and so far nothing. My cycle has been pretty normal, every 27-30 days. I am sure that a lot of it has to do with...well, everything. Physically I have no reason to believe that we are unable to get pregnant. But emotionally things will never be the same.

I do look at being pregnant as a new beginning. The rainbow we have so been longing for but never again will I feel the way I did before we lost Luke. The innocence will forever be gone. And maybe that is okay, but sometimes I would like for just a moment to experience living without the knot in my throat, the ache in my heart.

My biggest concern about posting this was that it makes it all real. Its like if I said it out loud than it means it is no longer just in my thoughts. We are really trying to have a baby. My decision to post this was because - in all honesty - I need all the prayers and support I can get. It's not going to be an easy journey for us, but I hope and pray that with the love and support I have received thus far I will be able to get through it.

Since we have had no luck the last few months I have started tracking my ovulation, which by the way is quite a science. I am hopeful that this will give me a better understating of my cycle. Only time will tell, please keep us in your prayers.

Oh and by the way - my husband is not ovulating today!! :) What?! I had to make sure these little sticks work!! :)

The Dove and the Olive Branch

My beautiful, baby sister came out from Florida for a visit. The last time I had seen her I was pregnant with Luke. It was a happy occasion then, and it was a happy occasion this time too. We were celebrating my mom's 50Th birthday bash and enjoyed an amazing week filled with fun activities.

My sister was unable to attend Luke's funeral. I know that she wanted to be there but had just made her annual trip out with her family about three weeks before we lost Luke so making the three thousand mile journey across the US again was just not feasible for her.

We had decided that on her visist we would have one day that was "just the girls." My mom was overjoyed to be able to have her grand babies (my sister has two children) all day to herself so my sister and I decided to go skiing. Now if I am lucky, I am able to ski about once a year, and my sister had not skied in nine years...or so she said. We knew that it could get a little interesting getting down the mountain - but it would be a blast nonetheless.

We live about an hour and twenty minutes from the mountains - gotta love Northern California. The road we took to get there was I-80. I asked my sister if on our way up the hill she would like to stop by and see Luke's grave site. It was a question that I already knew the answer to -so we went.

It had snowed that morning and there was a harsh, bitter chill in the air. We got the the cememrty and parked the car to walk down to Luke's site. Luke's grave site is on a long, peaceful hill. As we called down, my sister and I walked arm in arm. It was like we were little girls again. We made small talk but mostly we just took in the moment.

We stood quiet for a moment, again just taking it all in. Other than the day of his funeral, I never cry at Luke's grave site. Its not because I don't miss him, or wish that things were different, I just don't cry. When I am there I feel a strong sense of awareness, a prescense. I have never for a moment doubted that my son is in a far better place. I love having a place that I can go to honor him and pay my respects, but I have never associated him spirit, or "him" as being there. His spirits has always been with me, not in a hole in the ground.

Before we left my sister had mentioned that the dove on Luke's headstone looked just like the tattoo she has on her shoulder. When I was thinking of a design for Luke's headstone I knew from the very beginning that I wanted a dove, I wasn't sure why, I just knew that was what I wanted.

A few days later I asked my sister what the dove on her should represented. She told me that the dove has an olive branch in its mouth. She explained to me that after the Great Flood, when the dove came back with the olive branch in its mouth it was a sign of new beginnings.

I was drawn to the words and the story of the dove with the olive branch so I later read more and the story goes...

and it said that God then caused a rainbow to appear in the sky. This story has led to the dove and the olive branch to become symbols of peace....

Luke - you are my peace. My happy place. You are the love and the strength that guides me to new beginnings. You are my dove.

I love Target. How could you not love a place were you can buy pantie hose, shampoo, milk, and now produce all in the same location? It's genius. In all seriousness - I think I am obsessed. If anyone asks me were I got something, 95% of the time it's from Target. I don't know what it is but I am just drawn to that place. I will usually go for just one or two things, but EVERY time I walk out of there I end up with WAY more that I need. Like I said, a bit obsessed.

The other day I was there picking up a few things. I had a list of stuff that I needed - shampoo, coffee, stuff for my brothers package I am sending him. At the new Target I shop at in Lincoln the baby isle is pretty much in the very middle of the store. I had not been in the baby section at our new Target store, and ironically should have been many times. Not because I needed anything from that section, but because it would have made it much easier for me to get from point A to point B in the store if I just went right down the middle, down the baby isle.

When Luke was born there was this smell, a smell I will never forget. It was the sweetest, softest, purest smell ever. The combination of his smell and his warmth in my arms will forever be embedded in my mind. For the longest time when I would think of his smell I would just cry, wanting so bad to get it back. The closest I ever got to smelling that sweetness was from his blanket that he was wrapped in at the hospital which sadly no longer has his scent.

So as I am walking down the baby isle I smell it. It is not completely the same, but it was the closest I had been to smelling him again. I don't know what it was - the baby soaps, the baby clothes, the wipes...I don't know. Everything was sealed tightly so I don't know for sure were the scent was coming from but it was there. So yes, there I stood in the middle of Targer just breathing in and out, taking in ever bit of the greatest scent ever. Like I said, it wasn't totally the same, but it still felt so familiar.

And to think that I couldn't love Target anymore than I already did.

God bless our troops

This is my amazing little brother who is currently serving in Iraq. As a tribute to Luke, he wears his name. Thank you for your service brother, I love you more than you will ever know!!

PS - I thank God every day that my brother has an angel up in heaven looking over him!!

HERE AND NOW

I have a confession...I have been avoiding this place. Not because I don't feel welcome here, or that the stories of other mommies don't bring me comfort, but because I just wanted to be done with this. I don't want to have a baby in heaven, I want him here. I don't want to cry tears of sadness anymore, I want some tears of happiness. And lastly, I don't want to be a part of a group of people who are all connected because their babies are gone.

Harsh words I know, but that is how I have been feeling. It's like I just want to be done with it all. All the grieving, all the sadness. POOF - I just want it to disappear. The last few weeks I have been living in denial. They say that in grieving you go through stages and usually the last stage is acceptance. I think I have gone through most of the other stages....sadness, anger. But now I am stuck between the denial and acceptance stages. Logically, yes, I know my son is gone. I know that when I don't feel his warmth in my arms. I know it when I have no diapers to change, or cries to comfort. He is gone. I know he is gone, but I would rather pretend that he is not. Crazy? Maybe....denial....most definitely.

I have gone back to my counselor. That has been a good thing. I feel like I am at a place that I needs some guidance in. The truth is, is that I want to be at "that place." That place where I can feel like I am living again. The place where I am not terrified of every little thing. The place where having more children does not mean that I am giving up or forgetting Luke.

I talked to my counselor about all of the feelings that I was experiencing and she had a lot of helpful things to say. One of my issues is Luke's things tucked away in a closed off bedroom. I told her how hard it was to see all of his clothes that I had for him, and how "Luke's room" was so hard to go into to. So hard that I keep the door closed so that I don't have to see its emptiness.

I talked to my counselor about this and she brought up a few valid points. I told her that I found it odd that I was so attached to clothes that Luke never even wore, and a room that he never even slept in. It was like I was holding onto the only tangible things that reminded me of him. She asked me if it would be impossible to think of another child sleeping in "Luke's room" or wearing him clothes. At first when I heard this I got super protective as I usually do when it comes to Luke. I immediately thought "replacement child"....like "out with the old, in with the new." But then my counselor started talking about Luke's siblings. Like how she has two boys and when one son got too small for his clothes, it would be passed down to the younger son. When I heard that my thinking started to shift. I thought about how all these things - this room, these clothes - Luke has grown out of them. I thought of how his angel wings are so big that there is no way he would even fit into these clothes that he has left behind. The clothes he has left behind for his siblings to wear. And how he left a room for his brothers and sisters to sleep in, so that he can come visit and protect them every night.

So as hard as it is for me to sit here, log on, and write down my feelings - I am glad I did it. Yes, this place may be a place were we are all connected by the deepest sadness anyone could image but in coming here we walk away with hope, strength, and a feeling that we do belong. Many of the blogging mommies I have connected with over the last six months are expecting again and I am so thankful that you have shared your stories. Your courage and honesty in the fears you face everyday have given me so much strength. One of the biggest fears I have had in this journey has been the fears I face in thinking about conceiving again. I am still a work in progress but because of the many heartfelt stories I have read, I take comfort in knowing that there are rainbows that come after a storm.

Miss MIA

Busy - that pretty much sums up the last month or so of our lives. It has been busy in the Turnage household!! It all started with the holidays (which is a pretty busy time for us anyway). We found out in early December that our offer was excepted on a house and that it would close in 10 days. So yes, that meant we move the day after Christmas!! It was crazy and chaotic, but so exciting at the same time.

A few days after we moved in we had a going away party for my brother would left for Iraq....a sad issue for me but I am living in denial about it while he is gone. Then the very next day after his party we left for Las Vegas for New Years. It was a blast but when we can home I felt like I needed a year long vacation!! So needless to say, it has been real busy for us. Plus, we just got our internet hocked up again. It was weird being so disconnected ,but in a way it was also really good for me to focus my energy in other areas. So those are my reasons for being absent lately.

So 2010, is it really here? I was trying really hard the other day to think about what we did last year for New Years and I remembered that we had gone to Tahoe with some friends and had a really nice, relaxing time. If only then I had known what this year would have instore for us.

So most of our house is unpacked. It's funny how similar my husband and I are when it comes to getting things done. We both wanted everything moved in, unpacked with pictures hanging on the walls within a few days of getting the keys, and I have to say that we pretty much accomplished that.

The move has brought on new things to look forward to and yet there is still so much grieving. The grieving has taken on a new face. Its not as gut wrenching and for the most part I can better sense when it is coming on. It doesn't seem to creep up out of nowhere like it used to. Like when I am standing in line at the grocery store, or when I am driving. Innocently doing my own thing and BOOM - rainfall of tears.

Unpacking Luke's boxes were the hardest, or the lack of unpacking I should say. Our home has four bedrooms and a loft and Luke's is the only room that is empty. Other than the things I had gotten at my baby shower, or the things that I had picked up during my pregnancy, the room is empty. Rob and I leave the door closed. We say that its because we want to "conserve the heat" but there are three other doors upstairs that we never close. It just something we are choosing to not deal with right now.

This move is supposed to be the start of a new chapter and we are doing whatever we can to look at this new year with a bright, hopeful outlook. Closing Luke's door allows up to not hurt so bad. Having it open reminds us that were is no baby in that room. If the door remains closed we aren't reminded that its not filled with his bed, all his clothes, and his sweet smell. But by having the door there it reminds us that there is a bedroom on the other side that one day will be filled.

So enough of the sadness, it is time for new beginnings. Instead of making a new years resolution I have decided to give myself a break and just live. So here's to new beginnings!! I hope and pray its a better one for us all!!

Luke's Video

Luke Gene Turnage @ Yahoo! Video

My dear friend Mal over at Every Life Has A Story did this BEAUTIFUL tribute to our precious little man. I thank God every day for the love and strength people like Mal have given me over the past few months. At a time when I have felt so utterly alone, I am so grateful for the amazing courage I find in my fellow blogging mommies. I am forever indebted to your kindness.